Think about it, then think some more.. now think harder.. and you might.. and I say might because I’m not sure we give it any real thought, get the answer to that shit, bald faced question staring at you with the three long hairs growing on it and it also might have a mammoth mole, that no cosmetic surgery will ever be able to remove, that’s talking to you, telling you you’re crap and to piss off because it’s 5 AM.. but anyway…I’ve heard people say varied stuff like failure, discontentment, loneliness, disillusionment, emptiness, I’m secretly a cross dresser that has a thing for nuns and don’t know how the world will take it if I decide to come out, the dark, the light, death, god, spiders, Edward Cullen, mirrors blah blah(though if it were up to me I would be terrified of Bella – Cuz wait who does not want to run screaming into the hills when a girl says she loves you even when you want to resort to cannibalism, will he love me enough to not eat me alive? wait what?!!!).. you get what I mean.. and yeah, all those things are valid and real, not to diminish other fears, cuz I mean if fear was a person, me saying things like this would totally insult and piss him/her off and I don’t want to tempt fear.. I am coward enough, ask anyone that knows me..
But I really did dig or try to dig a bit deeper than the things I felt on a daily basis, like doubt and anger and god or heaven or hell, the right thing, the wrong thing…whatever and I found the thingI fear the most is “meaninglessness” I fear knowing or the lack of it about whatever I do on a daily basis.. and if that will make any real difference either to me or the second person. A meaningless action or gesture, word or phrase.
I fear that the motions we go through every day will not matter in the end, that what we or I try to do and accomplish on a daily basis is really for ourselves and maybe for a few important people in our lives, but in the end is only self-indulging – if that.
I fear that in the end what I do, the way I behave and the polite or not so polite (let’s be real not much i say is polite)things I say will in the end not mean anything and that would be a waste, not that I’m being vain and saying a waste for other people, but to me as a person, I went through and continue to go through everything for it not mean anything. Like take for example – what if Frodo died gaaaaspppp!!!!! before throwing the ring into the fire and there was no sam.. would that have been meaningless? What was the point of a 9 hour trilogy if nothing would have come off it and all that effort was in vain? or am I just being a completely negative pooper and ranting radio active dog piss.. like Chuck Wendig puts it…? i dunnu.. this was 5 Am rant due to lack of sleep so I guess you can decide..
Maybe now I can go back to sleep, seeing as the mayhem that is my mind is partially emptied of white noise and has found a sad and stupid to be caught victim with no where to hide – my blog page and you – that’s reading it.. !!!!